lady-sarcasm

"White and nerdy" is a hit!

2009-11-02T20:44:00.000-08:00

According to Speakingfaces.com my halloween costume was a hit! It's been voted as "freaky" and that just warms my cold black heart. Too bad they couldn't see my red sock with one leg of my sweats pulled up, and rockin my "g" swag for all the world to laugh. ;)

My trip to the haunted world...

2009-10-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

As a part of the Humor bloggers halloween carnival, I figured I would subject myself to the horror of haunts. The Haunted world to be exact, one of the best in Idaho I believe, that or they be bragging...

I was stoked, there I was on my way to the first haunted type of thing I've ever attended. It's not actually haunted, but I bet a few pansies believe it could be. I knew I wouldn't be the type to grab my man's arm and scream, or run around flipping out, or even crying. I didn't expect to jump or curse as often as I did though. I hate to admit I even did, because what will that do for my womanhood? Sheesh.

Anyways, the parts that really got me were the air things. The sudden bursts of air out of nowhere, usually triggered by movement, or steppin on the trigger. Them little damn things got me every time. Sad isn't it? A little burst of air scaring a big bad girl like myself..

The ghosts, and goblins, and monsters oh my! were awesome. I can write a whole blog post on just the creativity and awesomeness of their outerwear alone. Hell, even one guy I flirted with a bit. He was a hot demon thing, and I just happened to say "Hey..." in the 'seductive, I want in your pants voice' and he creeped up behind me and said "Hey baby.." I about creamed myself right there, it was what fantasies are made of, I tell ya.

There was one incident where we were going through a dark shed thing with things hangin' from the ceiling, and I complained that it stunk; (not as bad as the pigs we saw, with giant sacs..eeew) and all of sudden, what do I hear right next to my ear in the darkness? "Does it?" I jumped pretty good, and rubbed the cootie germs away from my ear, it was hilarious.

I cannot blog about my experience at Haunted World without mentioning the skullhead who mouthed off at me. He was telling me he was going to kill me, in his "oh so scary man voice" and I just said oh really? Then he stated, "Yeah, you fucking bitch." I tell ya what, if there hadn't been young ears walking behind us, I woulda mouthed off to the fucker. It's not my fault he can't scare me, and has the lamest costume on the site.. bugger.

What really made me tickled pink, were the illusions though. The one that really stood out though, was the walkin' the plank while the walls are spinning around you. I'll swear until my dying day that the walkway was moving, but it wasn't. The walls were circling around us, and making us hold onto the rail because it felt like we were going to fall over with the wall. It was fantastic!

All in all, my first experience at a haunted world, was pretty friggin' bomb. I'd like to tell you about every detail, but if your ever in Idaho and go to that, then I don't want to be the one who ruined it for ya...

Happy Halloween folks! Visit HBDC for more haunts and scares, that'll make you cry for yo mama. ;)

Slap my ass and call me SLACKER!

2009-10-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

Damn, it's been 19 days since I've blogged last. I know! What the hell is up with that right? Well this mama has been busy as hell. Really, I don't have any excuse why I haven't sprayed the sarcasm on the lawn for awhile..

I would like to mention though, in light of my last post. That the chonies were indeed spotted, (not like that sicko) and knowing that 'bout keeled me over. I'm a little shy like that, if I may say so. I figure going commando will be the only way to ensure thattype of thing will never happen again. Right?

The most exciting thing that has happened to me in say.. the past week; is that I falsely accused a thug looking man of stealing a big stack of jerky from the local gas station.

Yeah, you read that right falsely accused. Not to his face of course, just to save my ass from a cappin'. I had mentioned to the cashier that he had just stolen some jerky, and pointed him out to her. She thanked me and then I went on about my biz, heading to the car. As I sit down the guy goes back into the store, and picks the jerky up of the counter.

What?! Really?! Ah hell..

Coulda swore that he stole that. But apparently, he hadn't. He had just placed it on the counter to go retrieve his money from the vehicle. I had seen it in his hand, and then wham I didn't, and he left in a hurry.

To me, (an ex sticky finger) it reeked of thievery.

Regardless of all that, I doubt I could show my face in that store again, but hey, better safe then sorry right?

I will say though, that I'm now watching my back, and looking to invest in bulletproof body armor. I wonder if it comes in pink?

As above, better safe then sorry right? ;)

Embarassing moment #2431

2009-10-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

The story goes as follows...

We got a phone call from a dear friend, and he wants to come over and hang with us, and borrow our shower. Which is fine by us, we don't mind much. So after a bit of chit chatting, he goes and hops up in the shower.

He comes down and then we resume chit chatting, and whatnot. Then he leaves.

Exciting right? Just wait for it.

Fast forward a couple hours later, I go up and use the same bathroom. I'm sitting there doing my biz on the john, and look up at the shower curtain, admiring the seashells, and for some reason counting the shower rings.

1...2...3... O. M. G.!!!

I sware my pee jumped back in me, I was in shock and immediately turned red from ear to ear.

Guess what I saw hanging on the shower rod?

My mutherfriggin GRANNY HIPSTER CHONIES!!!!

O. M. G. x100

They were undoubtedly seen of course. Yet no mention of my colorful tent like panties were made.

So now I'm sitting here wondering if I got away with them not being seen, as I really wish, or if I will NEVER live this down.

Please excuse me while I go hide under my chonies, and die for awhile.

This is Karma in full force..

2009-09-28T18:42:00.000-07:00

<-- see that nonsense? That's my battle wound from tryin to donate plasma. They couldn't get a vein on the usual left arm, so they thought they were being nifty by choosin' the one they never used before. The right arm.

Yeah friggin right! It didn't hurt at all, yet it bruised like hell. Gotta admit though, it's hardcore. It's the best bruise I believe I've eva had. Is that something crazy to brag about or what?

I'm chalking today's experience up to Karma. Because if I weren't addicted to helping people, I wouldn't have these wounds. Oh and do you know how hard it is to type with ice packs on your arms? Really hard. It's a delicate process. Just call me talented. ;)

See how the humor bloggers are moving into the new design at Humor Bloggers.com We are prettier then ever, and we know it. :)

An update of some kind..

2009-09-14T17:19:00.000-07:00

(re-post from a private blog last night, thought I ought to share.)

I doubt discombobulation is even a word, but ya know what who cares, it looks cool. I can’t even begin to tell you how much of a struggle it’s been to find inspiration, time, or even desire to blog or do much of anything really. My days have been spent gettin to boys back to school, hangin with my neighbor Lil C, and just being all over the place. I don’t know what’s come over me, but something awhile ago just “clicked” It’s hard to explain really.

I haven’t done anything exciting, extreme, or anything blog worthy. I just know that tonight as I struggled to fall asleep, and failed; that I knew I needed to get up and blog. I’ve been sufferin from insomnia, which is most likely due to my sleepin in and nappin during the day. So my nights have been pretty sucky. Something just doesn’t feel right about life right now. It just seems so out of tune with what I’ve felt I’ve always known. It’s not anything I don’t want, it’s just.. I dunno.

I almost feel like I’ve slipped out of the wife and mom role, and I’m here floating around what seems like a unconsciously selfish orb, not in touch with anyone around me, let alone myself. My relationship with Gman has changed dramatically. It’s not bad, it’s just different. I feel though I’m better with my kids now then I have ever been. They are my soft spot, and they are just growing into some fine young men. They make me melt.

I’ve always had a knack for expressing myself with no words, yet to put myself here in my chair and attempting to put my feelings out there; is harder then finding a needle in a haystack. I feel like a stone who can’t speak of anything, because it isn’t there. If it is there, it’s in hiding, and it’s scared. I feel bad I can’t be here online with my girls Cyn and Queenie, I feel bad that I feel I can’t be the loving person I once was with Gman, I feel bad that I can’t get control of myself and get myself back into life’s routine. I am cravin the structure and discipline, but at the same time I am loving all the freedom I feel I have now. I don’t hold back anymore, when I need to say something I usually do. I can’t say that I spare feelings as much as I once did. Nothing really has changed in life, minus gettin to know people around me. Everything else is the same. I’m still smokin up a storm, still donating my plasma to support that and get extra gas in the car, and just little stuff here and there has changed. I’m more lenient with the kids, and have less stress because of it. I’m in a metamorphosis of some kind, I can’t tell yet if it’s the old me before being a mom and kids, or if it’s a new better version of me. It’s hard to say.

I just want to feel safe and secure. I want all the negatives that have kept spinning circles around my family and I to go away. I want to be able to think clearly and feel deeper. It’s nothing that will get me anywhere though. Gman started college today, we are nervous about it, and will pay even more of a financial burden should he not find a job after this all, and I am not prepared for that. Tonka will hopefully be starting preschool this year, and when he does I’m going back for my GED. I also have a babysittin job that pays 15 a day, which is ok with me seeing how I luv the bug to pieces. So all those are positives, I just wish the rest was.

Anyways, I guess now that I done spent the last 30 minutes bloggin all ova the place, that I ought to try to sleep. I need to go donate again in 4 hours. Fun stuff I tell ya. Not.

<3

Holy mother of pearl!

2009-09-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

What have I been up to? I know your asking yourself that. Where oh where has Lady Sarcasm gone? Well she's been replaced momentarily by Lady Bitch. Let me give ya a rundown of who she is...

You see Lady Bitch almost divorced her husband two weeks ago, (don't ask) and ever since then she can't stop smoking up a storm, and is feeling quite discombobulated. She has a mean muggin look that could make full grown men slam themselves to the floor to the fetal position and hollerin' for mommy.

She spends most of her days floating on through and sharpening her invisible spikes that are like a porcupines back. Things are just not pretty.

Hence why she has held me hostage away from the internets, and doesn't allow anything funny in.

I'd really like to get out and laugh a little, but Lady Bitch simply won't allow that at all. She's a hard one to shake off I tell ya.

Anyhoo that's why I haven't been bloggin and I apologize for not being able to comment on ya'lls blog. I still have mad love for you all and those folks at Humor Bloggers.com. I will try n update more often as I battle off this Lady Bitch and slap her ass with sarcasm.

My bar cherry has been popped!

2009-08-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

I really doubt I should even brag that my bar cherry has been popped, but I shall, considering my lazy ass hasn't updated this blog in awhile.

Late last night, a family friend hit up the bar, where he has a "bar family"- people he's known since he was "this high" according to the bartender, in a bowling alley a few blocks away from here.

So after getting done playing three rounds of Clue with my neighbors, I decide that Gman and I need to go down to the bar to shoot some pool with our friend.

I can tell you right now this was almost a mistake.

We were let in (after hours bowling alley lock down) and were shown the way to the bar. There was only a few peeps there. NoButtBi-girl, OnlyBiWhenShesDrunk-girl, two old farts, and our friend C.

Onlybiwhenshesdrunk-girl immediately came up and introduced herself to us, and claim to know me from somewhere. Upon closer inspection, and trying to imagine her as a normal sober person, I came to know who she was. She was from my hometown, and oh my god the girl about tackled me and dragged my ass to the pool table, before I grabbed her arm and tossed it off my shoulder. (I have a personal space bubble mind you.) She was to be stayed away from..

From there I knew things could only get worse. Trying to get into my blocked memory bank right now, and I can tell you when I peek in there, I remember motorboats, orgasmic moans, pretend strip teases, talks of bras and thongs, slow dances, lots of alcohol and noise-noise-noise. All between two girls who were loud and "look at me" enough that I'm surprised their great grandmas didn't roll over in their graves.

It was insanely annoying. Not that I'm a prude, but I just can't stand
Onlybiwhenshesdrunk-girls being little whores with anyone who talks to them, or old farts who encourage this behavior. Sorry guys, it's just lameo in the gameo.

I even lost at pool, and I was sober the whole friggin time!

Being an optimist at heart though, I can tell you now that I see some great things that happened last night.

1. I found out that I really like the type of non-whorish classy woman that I am.

2. Laughter is good for the soul and it was hilarious seeing our friend drunk.

3. That viewing "drunk in public bi-ism" is a great tool for celibacy .

4. Last but not least, Jamaican Dust and Harley shots are delicious!

So there ya have it folks, the night my bar cherry popped. I hope my next time at a bar, isn't like sloppy seconds in the wrong hole while they whisper someone else's name.

Just sayin'

Guess that baby!

2009-08-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

I interrupt the sarcastic services of this blog for an important update.. .

There is a contest going on over at Ettarose's blog Sanity on Edge. It's about babies, and blogger's. Not to be confused with blogger's having cyber babies, even though that sounds fun. Who want's to be my baby's daddy? I won't demand child support, promise. Ok never mind, back to the point.

Click here to go and guess the babyface that belongs to the humorblogger. Why? Cuz I friggin said so. You don't even have to know us, to guess it. The contest comes with up to date pictures of us all, so it'll only strain half of your half brain cell to figure it out. Make the sacrifice.

Please be advised that by not following what I say may result in bodily harm of the "worst nightmare" kind. The kind you can't even think up. Proceed with caution.

Ok Bro, TMI!!! TMI!! Holy gee.

2009-08-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

My adoringly strange and slow brother decides to call me up the other day, and the conversation went as follows..

"Hello?"

Hey, I had sex!

"Huh? With who?"

That girl J I just met, she was so loose!

"Pfft! That's only because you've just had retarded virgins before."

I know but wow! I fucked up and cummed in her too.

"Wtf? you dumbass. TMI Bro, TMI."

LOL Sorry.

"Ok well I'm busy and this conversation is going to make me vomit."

Ok, talk to ya later, love ya bye.

"Click"

See what I have to live with on a daily basis? And now Jbro lives with me too, luckily he knows better then to bring the ho's he finds over to my house. Sheesh.

Sorry I haven't been blogging much, I hope to get back into it full swing pretty soon. I have a lot of great material to write about too. You won't want to miss it. :)